This is my honest answer to the girl I just dated for one hour. Maybe I meet her again, have more memorable time together someday who knows. It’s uncertain because everyday I wake up in the morning I have two days to live. It sounds strange but it’s how I perceive and do for the living for many years.
Lovely, beautiful people come and go. I’d rather not to control or influence over others’ lives. Why should I! My understanding of loving somebody is to give freedom at any cost which is challenging in every moment.
About ten years ago when I was middle of 30s, I met a beautiful, energetic girl that crashed on me freaking hard. Coworkers and neighborhoods expected for us to be a nice couple. But for the whole period, about half year, I never had a sex or kissed her. Why did I do such strange action? Honestly while I was dating with her almost every few days per week, I discovered intoxicating, deadly beauty of female being, living, breathing, complicated, unpredictable universe. I was so afraid of being consumed by beauty and pleasure from her and it had made sleepless nights by myself to suppress the desire and feeling towards her.
Long story to short, I chose my career instead being a boyfriend with her in indefinite time. I would probably live with her and have a child. When a guy and a girl love each other, they wanna have a baby unless both of them are crazy and eccentric.
Sexual love and pleasure are tricky to understand. Anytime the pleasure takes over, it could change the human being in undesirable way. Human being is such a crazy animal that would put one’s dear life for the instant pleasure. I’ve been there many times. Somehow I’ve managed not to have a single broken bone over the past twenty wild years. I still enjoy riding a sportbike that moves three digit over the speed limit on public road periodically. While I’m riding a sportbike in high speed, I can forget the complicated, fucked up reality around me. The existence itself simply becomes so clear “One tiny mistake or unfortunate event would trigger a big disaster either being road kill by traffic accident, a patient who need life-time medical care for the life time.”
Few years ago I decided to use my crazy personality, die-trying spirit for the good purpose.
Wish you best, sweetie. And Good night, sweet dream!